


'Til Death Do Us Part

by ChiaRoseKuro



Series: Fucking Hell [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Crack, Fanfiction of Fanfiction, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, There aren't enough SIN fics out there, There is Sai. You have been warned., basically every other tag in TDITD, specifically my own fanfiction, still just a load of self-indulgent bullshit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-09-27 14:32:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10025756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiaRoseKuro/pseuds/ChiaRoseKuro
Summary: In the silence that follows, a very small voice goes, “Come again?”Sasuke rolls his eyes heavenwards, because the big ol’ bastard up there isdefinitelymocking him, and steps in with an annoyed “Itachisaid, you fucking moron, that you didn’t just summon us– you practically wedded us to you.”“And no, there is no way this can be broken,” Itachi added, voice graver than anything Naruto’s ever heard in his life.So if this isn’t the moment to fall onto his arse, stare dumbfounded at his summons (who are now hishusbands, dear lord, and what the hell was he going to do aboutthat?!) and hope that there’s some third option to heaven or hell, then Naruto doesn’t knowwhenit is.Living with Hypersatan and Satan is bad enough, so how much worse could it really get for Naruto? (Answer: Alotworse. Just chuck in a dysfunctional summon circle and you've got a recipe for disaster.)( alternately, nobody is ready for marriage, everyone is ready to freak out, and the author's one of their number too )





	1. Lawlessly Wedded

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I know jackshit about marriage; I fell asleep in the only one I ever attended and my love life is so non-existent that I'm pretty sure I'll never have one. For that reason, updates will be a lot slower than in the main fic, mostly because I'm going to have to research (unless I just wing it and make mistakes left and right). Second of all, it might be worthwhile to read _The Devil's In The Detail_ first, because that sets up the basic premise for why this whole fic is happening and it introduces the characters a lot more thoroughly than this one will. Again, for that reason, updates will be slow because I won't be writing some chapters until I introduce them in the main fic; suddenly thrusting non-SIN characters upon everyone and expecting you to understand how they differ from canon would be both impolite and not fun to read. With that being said, this will be a chronological, sequential fic, unlike the main one. I may venture into vignette territory when the whole marriage's over and done with, but think of this as a 'canon divergence' from _The Devil's In The Detail_ , if you'd like.
> 
> I'll update the warnings as they come but, considering that this is a SIN fic, there's obviously going to be mentions of incest, homosexuality and polyamory. If you're not comfortable with that or blasphemous assumptions about heaven and hell, why in god's name did you click on this? Press the 'back' button before your soul descends into damnation and joins mine there; like all my other fics, I wrote this to be self-indulgent so I'm not looking to cop flak for it. (And yes, I just copied this warning from my main fic; the laze is very real in me)
> 
> Special thanks to Dia for introducing me to [this prompt](http://writing-prompt-s.tumblr.com/post/157161486702/as-the-demon-stared-at-the-mortal-who-summoned-it), without which I would still be merrily sitting on my main fic and writing away for it; I hope she burns in hell with me when we both get there. Pleasantries aside, I may as well stop waffling on, so... on with the fic!

“Naruto,” Itachi starts, tone mild and polite, “could you replicate the summoning circle you drew for Sasuke and I?”

Naruto’s lived with Itachi for long enough to realize that _this_ particular tone, carefully cultured and just the right shade of warm, often signals anything but mildness. The one time he refused the request, he’d spent a week in the ICU, babbling about singing greyhounds in clown costumes while attempting to stick his clothes to the ceiling. It’s honestly not an experience he wants to repeat, especially since Itachi had threatened worse when he’d finally regained his sanity, so all he does is sigh and head for the crooning fridge.

Unsurprisingly, there’s a large plastic bag filled with red cranberries tucked into one corner. There’s also no trace of the microwaveable pizza or fish fingers Naruto splurged on when Sasuke went through a phase of spitting into his food (he wouldn’t have cared much, since Sasuke had proven himself to be an uncivilized caveman, except it took him three hours of running into every available piece of furniture to realize there was poison in it). Heaving yet another sigh, he drags the bag out, gives the fridge a dirty glare and pointedly slams the door shut.

The small comfort Naruto takes in its offended wail is cut short when Itachi clears his throat.

Being the petty person that he is, Naruto sticks his tongue out at Itachi before getting to work, grinding the cranberries so he has a full bowl of its sticky red juice. It’s telling that his clean freak of a summons doesn’t even _blink_ when juice splatters everywhere, bits of cranberry flesh and skin peppering the counter until there’s more spots than granite benchtop. Still, Naruto takes the time to draw in a steadying breath and crouch on the floor, bowl in hand, to survey the tiles and recall exactly what he did before.

There had been the scroll back then, right by his left hand. There had been a lot of hemming and hawing and referrals to said scroll, partly because he didn’t want to stuff it up but mostly because he couldn’t remember any of the symbols for more than five seconds. There had been quite a number of Frank Sinatra songs before he’d pricked his thumb and let a single drop of blood smack into the middle of it, but…

“Is there a point to all this?” Naruto asks partway through, and can’t find it in himself to keep the exasperation from his voice.

Itachi stays silent for so long that Naruto almost forgets he asked anything, and it’s not until he’s adding a flourish to a particularly nasty array that he gets a response. That is, if a half-hearted shrug and more intense gazing could be considered a response.

This time, Naruto draws out his sigh for as long as possible.

By the time he’s ready to close the circle, Sasuke’s standing next to Itachi. Naruto doesn’t miss the way their shoulders nudge against each other with every breath or the way Itachi can’t quite focus on the summoning circle anymore, but it’s honestly not his concern. Considering the things they _could_ be doing… a full-body shudder runs through him, and he almost screws up one of the sixes he’s drawing. It’s not too bad, though, so Naruto carefully inks in the last one before stepping back.

Much like the first time he summoned Itachi (Hypersatan, back then, though he still gets called that when he’s being particularly nefarious), nothing much happens for a few seconds. There’s a long, slow blink from Itachi, a faintly quizzical look on Sasuke’s face and loud birdsong through the window, but that’s about it.

“Well,” Sasuke mutters, ever the pleasant conversationalist, “ _that_ was fun. Nothing like dirtying your kitchen floor to give you a sense of accomplishment, mortal boy.”

Naruto springs to his feet with a yell and stomps over to him, shoving his face so close to Sasuke’s that he can barely see the demon’s smug grin. Soon (like every other occurrence when Sasuke’s being his lovely self) they’re busy trading verbal blows, and the fridge begins shrieking to try and get heard over their loud accusations and louder rebuttals.

It’s not until Naruto’s nursing a steak to his blackening eye that any of them realize Itachi’s gone.

 

* * *

 

Naruto will never forget the moment Itachi first laid eyes on a computer. It probably had something to do with wi-fi being impossible in the bowels of the earth, what with the eternal fires of damnation and the wretched souls running interference, but the most high-tech thing they have down there is an instant coffee machine. To see a flat screen telling you everything you want to know in less than a second was comparable, in a way, to the first time Naruto walked in on his godfather having sex.

The latter had traumatized him, later on in life, but he still laughs himself sick whenever he thinks of Itachi asking, in a very serious tone of voice, “Do people really think my little brother looks like _this?_ ” The novelty of Hypersatan’s horror will likely stay with him forever, no matter how nasty Itachi’s glare is whenever he catches a snort or a poorly-stifled chortle.

It’s why Naruto always does a double-take whenever he sees Itachi at the computer, either surfing the web for some other information or doing questionable things. As nice as it was to find an extra million dollars in his (admittedly small) bank account, he’d rather not have the police monitor him for another month– so he’s understandably concerned when he catches sight of the weird thing he can see on the screen.

“ _Please_ tell me you’re not scamming someone again,” Naruto groans, staring pointedly at the back of Itachi’s head.

“Whoever said _I_ was responsible the past few times?” Itachi fires back.

“You’re not exactly the picture of innocence.” Waving his hand at the image on the screen and the concentrated glare Naruto’s associated with impending doom, he adds a desert-dry, “What did the computer do to _you_ , anyway? Glare any harder and you might burn a hole through it.”

“It’s always worth a try,” a new voice says, “especially if it pisses you off.”

Naruto rolls his eyes and shoves at the arm draped over his shoulder, growling audibly at the amused smirk Sasuke directs at him. The last time he’d let that arm flop over him, he’d ended up with a bruised throat and a full week of communicating with pen and paper, and he _really_ doesn’t need a repeat of that. From the convulsive twitches of Sasuke’s hands by his side, he’s inclined to think that the demon doesn’t quite agree with him on that.

Before Naruto can consider hogtying Sasuke and dumping him in the basement or down a well, Itachi turns away from the computer with a muted sigh and mutters something rude under his breath. Given that he can count the number of times he’s heard the guy swear (despite being the supreme ruler of hell and the very essence of all things profane), it’s no surprise that his gaze instantly zeroes in on the screen.

There’s nothing too terrible on it, relatively speaking. Naruto can see a few small diagrams, depicting what looks to be variants of the summoning circle he’d used to summon Itachi and Sasuke, and a wall of text in between them, but that’s it.

Unless the text has something that could move Itachi to profanity, of course, but what harm could a few words do?

“Lots,” Itachi deadpans, and it’s not until then that Naruto realizes he’s talking aloud.

When his face doesn’t feel like it could spontaneously combust anytime soon, Naruto points to the screen and asks, “So what’s wrong, then?”

“ _Lots_ ,” Itachi iterates. A few seconds of tense staring coaxes out a further, “remember when I called you an idiot?”

The snort Sasuke gives is loud and entirely unwarranted, but Naruto only spares him a sharp _thwack_ against the head and a pointed glare before he delves into his memories. Unfortunately for him, he’s been called derogatory names by both of the demons enough for all of them to blur together, but…

“Is this something to do with the whole ‘I’ve never learnt magic’ thing?” Naruto eventually asks.

“Yes,” Itachi replies, just as Sasuke mumbles a sarcastic, “Like _any_ amount of learning would make you better.”

This time, Naruto makes sure he leaves a welt on Sasuke’s head when he smacks him again. He’d go for a poisonous glare too, but experience has taught him that the end result is pretty undesirable. Sure, he doesn’t style his hair like a _certain_ self-absorbed prima donna does, so he doesn’t care if it’s ruffled to within an inch of its life… but he’s a human, not a _dog_. If he wanted to be a mutt then he would’ve tried out a polymorph spell, dammit!

Rolling his eyes at the way Sasuke glares right back at him, Naruto bats at the fist that barrels at his half-swollen eye and utters, “Okay, so I haven’t learnt magic and you’re annoyed, Itachi. What else do I need to know?”

“Two other key details,” Itachi hums, completely ignoring the pointed eye-roll Naruto gives at his seriousness as he crosses them off with his fingers. “First of all, your godfather was likely a collector of illegal spells, because your internet doesn’t give me much to work with on it. Second of all, your contract with Sasuke and I is… practically irreversible.”

“Gee, I wonder where I could’ve gotten _that_ idea,” Naruto snarks, gesturing to the rattling shelf in the corner. He spares a moment to shake his head at the muffled curses he can still hear through the thick bandages wrapped around it, before he pauses and snaps, “and what d’you mean by ‘practically irreversible’, anyway?”

“I’d like to know too, brother,” Sasuke butts in, voice glacial enough to send chills down Naruto’s spine.

Under the scrutiny of two unimpressed sets of eyes, Itachi gives in with an ungracious huff. Turning back to the computer, he mutters another profanity under his breath and taps at the keyboard a few times. By the time he’s done with whatever he’s doing, Sasuke’s inspecting his nails and Naruto’s eyes are starting to wander, but a pointed cough draws their attention to the symbol on the screen.

“Read it aloud, Naruto,” Itachi says, though there’s more quiet demand than anything else in the tone.

Choosing not to take his summons up on the unvoiced challenge, Naruto sighs through his nose and leans into the screen, nudging Itachi until he’s out of the way. It takes a while for him to figure out what he wants him to read out, but…

“Summons come with various contractual bounds,” Naruto slowly starts, “but none are as terrible as the forbidden circles. Forcing sentient, humanoid summons into a contract, irrespective of their true nature, is already forbidden in itself, but these create an indestructible and irreversible bond, one… not even the _caster_ can break? What—”

“ _Keep reading_ ,” one or the other growls.

“—okay, so.” Taking a deep breath and steeling himself for whatever sick mess he’d unknowingly thrust himself into when he’d summoned the two demons, Naruto grimaces and continues. “There are two prominent motivators which spawned the creation of forbidden circles: death, often of the summons for the summoner’s benefit, or envy, to possess what another has. Although there are no physical records of energy-siphoning circles in contemporary history, there is one single scroll of the… holy shit, you must be _kidding_ me…”

“No, Naruto,” Itachi sighs, sounding much like one might when they were talking to a wayward three-year-old, “this site is not ‘kidding’ you. Your godfather– Jiraiya of the Sannin, I gather?– is a terrible sealer.”

“Well, yeah, I gathered as much,” Naruto mumbled, glaring daggers into the screen, “but what the hell, why would he have this– this—”

“Marital circle?” Sasuke butts in, from where he’s wormed his way in between Itachi and Naruto. “Fucking mortals and their stupid meddling; no wonder hell’s so crowded these days…”

“So yes, Naruto, that was why I asked you to draw the summoning circle,” Itachi gravely utters, raising his voice over Sasuke’s mutinous grumbles. “It’s not one I’ve seen for a number of centuries, but such things are hard to miss in a realm like ours. I suppose congratulations are in order, then. Not only did you manage to summon us, you successfully bonded yourself to us for all eternity.”

In the silence that follows, a very small voice goes, “Come again?”

Sasuke rolls his eyes heavenwards, because the big ol’ bastard up there is  _definitely_ mocking him, and steps in with an annoyed “Itachi  _said_ , you fucking moron, that you didn’t just summon us– you practically wedded us to you.”

“And no, there is no way this can be broken,” Itachi added, voice graver than anything Naruto’s ever heard in his life.

So if this isn’t the moment to fall onto his arse, stare dumbfounded at his summons (who are now his  _husbands_ , dear lord, and what the hell was he going to do about  _that?!_ ) and hope that there’s some third option to heaven or hell, then Naruto doesn’t know  _when_  it is.

“Fucking _hell_ ,” he swears emphatically, and pretends he doesn’t wince at the double entendre.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title was taken from the priest's closing words upon the successful completion of a marriage, something along the lines of "you may now take him/her as your lawfully wedded husband/wife". Seeing as how lawful this is... well, you can see why I parodied it. The predominate image I had was Naruto paralleling the first chapter of _The Devil's In The Detail_ and freaking out over the marriage, so there's that. Nothing too funny to work with there, I'm afraid.
> 
> Being of the same universe as _The Devil's In The Detail_ , this has nothing to do with the two other SIN fics I've got tucked under my belt. For further commentary, tidbits and progress updates, check out my [tumblr](http://chiarosekuro.tumblr.com) or this [associated link](http://chiarosekuro.tumblr.com/waffles).


	2. Through Hell and High Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > Predictably, his godfather doesn’t appear until he’s in the middle of yelling his moniker for the third time. Jiraiya’s already got a sharp retort on his tongue at the use of said moniker (which is predictable enough, given his liking for it prior to his ‘death’) and his hair’s bristling around the edges from his anger (again, predictable enough) but then Naruto makes the mistake of looking away from his face.
>> 
>> The lack of his monk outfit is _not_ something Naruto had predicted, and nor is its replacement.
>> 
>> That is, if a loincloth counts as an acceptable replacement.
>> 
>> So, being the tactful and sensitive person that he is, Naruto immediately gives way to loud retching noises and cries for brain bleach.
> 
>   
> The groom's godfather is found and invited, along with an unwanted and rather invasive guest. Conversation is tossed around, questionable forms of artwork are destroyed, and sexual jokes are bandied back and forth. All in all, it's a day in the life of the engaged and their attempts at organizing the perfect wedding. 

Given the last time Naruto wandered into hell, it’s not surprising that he’s not all that thrilled to revisit the place. Sure, it’d be nice to see Itachi’s palace restored to its former glory and walk down the semi-molten path without dirtying his favourite pair of socks, and Gaara was certainly nice enough when one looked past his propensity for being deadpan and rather socially awkward, but there was a _reason_ why he liked being alive. Apart from the whole ‘being alive’ deal, there was the fact that people wore decent clothing (for the most part) and acted decently (again, for the most part).

This was something that Naruto couldn’t quite say about a certain sex demon.

Unfortunately, a foray into hell meant indulging in the company of said sex demon, whether Naruto liked it or not (because, for some unfathomable reason, Sai had somehow become the ruler of hell in Itachi’s and Sasuke’s absence). As soon as he’d fought off a particularly nasty bit of corn and just about tumbled off the yellow brick road, he’d been greeted by a fake smile and a prolonged kiss on the mouth. All in all, he’d been pretty surprised that his soul was still firmly lodged in his body.

The same could not be said for Sai, though. It was likely a good thing that demons didn’t have souls, in Naruto’s opinion, because the amount of suffering it would’ve gone through at being burnt alive would’ve been enough to move _anyone_ to tears.

Not that Sai seems to care much, given the way he’s lifting a steaming hand to his face and sighing out a petulant, “there’s food kinks and then there’s fucking a cooked body, Big Dick.”

“Good enough for me,” Sasuke snarls, cracking his knuckles in a rather threatening manner. “It’ll be even better if one of the gluttons get indigestion after eating your fucking corpse.”

“Language, children,” Itachi sighs, rubbing at the deepening crease in his brow.

Naruto’s honestly ready to follow suit (and maybe even cradle his throbbing head in his hands for good measure), but it’s not as though he’s here to get his virginity taken. With a bit of regret, he rubs at his lips instead, before dragging Sasuke back by his shirt and positioning himself in front of Sai.

“Okay, this is fun and all,” Naruto starts, valiantly ignoring the way his mouth’s watering at the smell of Sai’s perfectly grilled flesh (and the incredibly disturbing implications that come with his liking for it), “but we’re not here for a social call.”

“What a way to break my heart, Dickless,” Sai quips, just as cheery as always.

“You _have_ a heart?” Sasuke butts in, still a little grouchy from the way his neckline’s a little skewed. “Miracles never cease, do they.”

“Like you’re any better, little brother,” Itachi adds, and Naruto groans when the two most powerful demons begin an impromptu staring contest.

With the way Sai’s attention is drifting towards the brothers, Naruto knows he doesn’t have much time to recapture his wavering interest. Grasping one pale arm in his hand, he jerks at it a little and studiously ignores the way heat seeps into his palm, because the moment he pays attention to it will be the moment his headache triples in size.

“Where’s my godfather?” Naruto snaps, when Sai’s eyes are back on him.

“I’d suggest heaven,” Sai drolly utters. “I hear he’s not much one for simpletons, but—”

“ _Not_ that one,” Naruto growls, digging his fingers into Sai’s arm at the insult. “Seriously, what makes you think I’m religious when I live with the head honchos of hell? I meant Jiraiya of the Sannin!”

“Oh, that old pervert?” Sai hums, eyes narrowing in an attempt at thoughtfulness. “He’s the one with bed hair and an incredibly indecent leer, isn’t he?”

“Well,” Naruto dryly utters, “that’s certainly _one_ way to describe him. Does he also have white hair and painted red stripes below his eyes?”

“I’d always thought it was blood, since his nose couldn’t possibly handle all the strain,” Sai replies, tone failing to be anything but a mockery of pleasantness.

“So if you know who he’s talking about,” Sasuke growls, bloodshot eyes glaring dangerously at Sai, “stop dithering and _spit it out_.”

“And no, my little brother doesn’t mean cum,” Itachi adds with a light smirk, which only grows wider when the excitement in Sai’s eyes fades rapidly. “He means Jiraiya’s location.”

“I did _not_ need to know that,” Naruto grouses loudly, but obediently follows along when Sai turns and starts along a different road.

It’s still as semi-molten and liable to killing him as the other one he’d taken way back when, but Naruto’s going to count his blessings and be thankful with what he’s got. The only thing he mourns, as he leaves the yellow brick road behind and trudges after Sai, is his lack of foresight in forgoing ear plugs.

 

* * *

 

Naruto’s last memory of his godfather is hardly flattering, considering the way Jiraiya had announced his leave from the world whilst giggling lewdly and staunching blood from his nose, but it’s accurate enough. Indeed, most memories of his godfather tended to revolve around blood and sex, often in relation to the latter but occasionally (and rather traumatically) in relation to the former, so he’s not entirely surprised to hear the faint sounds of sleazy pick-up lines when Sai points out his house. Rolling his eyes at the familiar irritation welling up within him, he toes open the gate and steps onto the lawn.

Except… he doesn’t quite think blobs of cooling rock in suspicious-looking lumps _counts_ as a lawn. Not that hell _has_ any vegetation, the last time Naruto checked, but…

“I’m surprised your godfather isn’t an incubus,” Sasuke mutters, kicking at twin mounds of crumbling rock.

“Join the club,” Naruto grumbles, and hollers his godfather’s name.

Predictably, his godfather doesn’t appear until he’s in the middle of yelling his moniker for the third time. Jiraiya’s already got a sharp retort on his tongue at the use of said moniker (which is predictable enough, given his liking for it prior to his ‘death’) and his hair’s bristling around the edges from his anger (again, predictable enough) but then Naruto makes the mistake of looking away from his face.

The lack of his monk outfit is _not_ something Naruto had predicted, and nor is its replacement.

That is, if a loincloth counts as an acceptable replacement.

So, being the tactful and sensitive person that he is, Naruto immediately gives way to loud retching noises and cries for brain bleach. It’s telling that Sasuke and even _Itachi_ are refusing to look in his godfather’s general direction, though Sai seems to have no qualms about smiling blandly and staring at Jiraiya’s exposed torso, questionable half-dried fluids and all.

Except Sai’s smile is starting to look less bland and more genuine by the moment. The implications of _that_ , as far as Naruto is concerned, don’t bode well for him (or his godfather, but he likely deserves being embarrassed and annoyed by the acting ruler of hell for all his misdemeanours on earth).

Thankfully for Naruto, though, his increasingly traumatic thoughts halt in their tracks when Jiraiya rubs his nose, heaves a loud sigh and exclaims, “Really, brat, you could’ve _tried_ to live a few more years without me.”

“Well,” Sasuke mutters, in the short silence that follows, “now we know where you get your tact from.”

“Hey, I’m more sensitive than the old pervert, thanks!” Jabbing a finger in Sasuke’s sternum, Naruto growls at his smirk before whipping around to face his godfather. “And _you_ were the one who waltzed into hell with a succubus, so you’re no better!”

“Stop calling me a pervert, you snot-nosed kid,” Jiraiya grumbles, before tacking on a defensive, “at least I went to the afterlife on my _own_ terms, unlike you.”

“What makes you think I’m dead?” Naruto incredulously utters, a few seconds too late.

“You _do_ realize we’re in hell, right?” Sai asks dryly, absentmindedly waving his hand at the plume of fire roaring away in the distance. “Or are you as blind as you are neutered, Dickless?”

“I,” Naruto growls, flushing more with each successive word, “have a _dick_ and functional _eyes_.”

“But your… godfather, was it?” Itachi interjects, nodding in Jiraiya’s general direction, “does have a point. Remember what I told you on the path to purgatory?”

“Oh, right, the whole soulless deal.” Shaking his head at the recollection of grabby plants, Naruto sighs heavily and turns to Jiraiya again. “Anyhow, all you need to know is that I’m not dead. Actually, I came here to ask something, so once we’re done I’ll just go back home and leave you to your… whatever you’re doing here.”

“Look,” Jiraiya starts, mouth creasing down into a frown, “ _just because_ you don’t appreciate human beauty as much as I do—”

“Is _that_ what they call perversion these days?” Sai asks, smile lighting up in absolute glee. “I suppose I’d make the finest art connoisseur—”

“ _If I can move onto my question before sometime next year_ ,” Naruto growls, digging the heel of his palm into his temple, “that would be _wonderful_.”

There’s a few faint snickers, likely from the demonic pair of siblings watching him brave this whole marriage farce alone, but Naruto does his best to ignore them. It’s not like _they_ were the ones who bound him to an irreversible union out of sheer curiosity and ignorance, as much as he doesn’t want to admit that.

Not that it stops Naruto from discreetly flipping them off, of course, but it also doesn’t stop them from snickering a little louder. Or maybe it’s just Sasuke who’s laughing at his expense, and Itachi’s smiling like the indulgent parental figure he really shouldn’t look like. Either or, really.

When the snickering’s died down a little, Naruto takes in a deep breath, lets it whoosh out again and blurts out, “I’m getting married soon, so could you please come and see me off for it?”

“Sure, why not,” Jiraiya replies, and Naruto almost falls at the flippancy of his tone.

“But Dickless,” Sai interrupts, ever the respectful and cheery optimist, “don’t you know anything? You can’t bring a creature of hell to earth.”

“And yet I’ve got _them_ living with me in my house,” Naruto deadpans, jerking a thumb in Sasuke’s and Itachi’s general direction.

“It’s only because you have Big Dick and Incestuous bound under a contract,” Sai replies, hollow grin at odds with his faintly plaintive tone. “Otherwise, they’d be boning in hell.”

“I did _not_ need to know that,” Naruto growls, like the broken record that he is.

“At least use our names, asshole,” Sasuke growls too, and… seriously?

“ _That’s_ what you’re complaining about?” Naruto splutters.

“You know,” Sai says, “they _are_ Satan and Hypersatan, even if I’ve promoted myself to become acting Satan.

“Though as acting Satan,” Sai continues in a thoughtful tone, “I could bring your godfather to earth, under specific conditions.”

Naruto’s head turns so fast, he almost gives himself whiplash while overshooting his goal. Jiraiya, on the other hand, is too busy mourning the disfiguration of his garden, so he dismisses his godfather and pins Sai with the most hopeful gaze he can muster.

“But before I die of diabetes from your puppy eyes,” Sai utters in a flat tone, “you’ll have to invite me to your wedding first.”

“Because I want some lookalike stripper who spouts sex jokes like a leaky toilet there,” Naruto replies in an equally flat tone. “ _Fuck_ you, Sai, that’s not happening.”

 

* * *

 

“I think,” Itachi murmurs, as Naruto snarls and almost tears Sai’s invitation in half, “that you need to improve your memory.”

“No,” Naruto growls, shoving the gilt-edged paper into Sai’s chest, “I just need to find a way for you demons to _leave me alone_.”

“Or maybe you should stop trying to one-up the devil, moron,” Sasuke scoffs, smirking from his perch against another suspicious mound. “You’re just too dumb to pull it off.”

“Pot, meet kettle,” Sai cheerfully interjects, and dodges the fist to his face with a wide smile.

 

* * *

 

It’s not until Naruto’s halfway back to purgatory that he hears Jiraiya shriek, “Wait, _marriage?!_ ”

“ _Don’t_ ,” Naruto begins, but Sasuke’s too busy clutching his sides and gasping for breath to listen.

“I apologize for my brother’s slander; you’re not dead last in intelligence anymore,” Itachi murmurs, and Sasuke begins choking ungainly by Naruto’s side.

He thinks he can be forgiven for kicking Satan in the backside and fixing Hypersatan with a deadly glare. For two men who were supposed to be overlords of hell and millennia old, it was terribly difficult to distinguish them from foul-mouthed toddlers at times.

The thought is enough to make Naruto gag a little, aim another kick at Sasuke’s half-scowling, half-smirking face and flip Itachi off when he laughs a little louder behind his hand.

Marriage, Naruto angrily concludes, is _way_ too overrated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As no particular wedding vow aligned with the ideas I had in mind for this chapter, the title is inspired by the popular saying of those exact words. There wasn't much water, I'm afraid, but at least there was a lot of hell. And a glimpse of Jiraiya in all his loinclothed glory (at least my brain spared me the mental image). Other predominate images include his rather flora-averse garden and Sai smiling, because I'm a sucker for Sai and his smiles, fake or not, give me life.
> 
> For further commentary, tidbits and progress updates, check out my [tumblr](http://chiarosekuro.tumblr.com/) or this [associated link](http://chiarosekuro.tumblr.com/waffles/). The next chapter may not be out for a while, because I'm tossing between two pre-marriage activities and I'm pretty sure I can't fit them into the one chapter, so... if you'd like to play sounding board and help chivvy the chapter along, feel free to express your interest in my [ask box](http://chiarosekuro.tumblr.com/ask/) and leave me a Skype or email that I could contact you by~


End file.
